For as long as I can remember, my little sister and I had a tense relationship. We’re only sixteen months away, so you’d think our age difference (or lack thereof) would bring us closer together. Wrong. Oh, so wrong.
Growing up, we moved away even further. In high school, my sister left a long trail of anguish and bad decisions. He ran away from home, often with abusive teenagers. He bodily striked members of my family (sometimes with weapons, sometimes not), myself included; I have the scar of a bite on my forearm to prove it. She was a manipulative liar even for the simplest things, and yet she was not very good.
In all these years, there have been countless ups and downs. Many of them. Too many action, sleepless nights, tears and angry words to count. I hardened over time, but my mother, with her unwavering love for her daughter, was heartbroken many times by hope and despair. My sister goes through cycles of being involved with family, then ghosts, lies and being downright mean to all of us.
During my engagement, she had started to be more active in the family, actually talking to me and video chatting so that my niece and I could interact. I gave in to hope for the first time in years, without skepticism, and asked her to be a bridesmaid. Then she got up and left my family in the middle of the night and ignored us for the next six months; she was thirty minutes from our father’s house at Christmas and did not come to visit my family, not even her grandparents who did nothing wrong.”Until she decided she was filing for annulment; now she’s back. It was not said that she was no longer a maid of honor and the subject was never raised by either her or me.
Now that the wedding is less than three months away, I am forced to face the reality of what my day will be like with my sister present. For years I had imagined what family drama would result from his absence, how he would make me feel, but I never imagined what it would be like to have him there. I simply did not imagine a future where she would be sufficiently “active” in our family to warrant an invitation.
On a day already full of emotions, I don’t really know where to go when it comes to her. Our brothers are groomsmen, so how can I explain that my sister is not a bridesmaid? Am I giving him a gift? How does it work because the bridesmaids and my mom and I do our hair and makeup? How to deal with the fact that my mother and bridesmaids are preparing together, and my sister, as terrible as it may sound, is really not wanted? She brings so much drama with her, even on her good days.
I hope I don’t sound presumptuous or legitimate. I know it will be difficult for my mother; her daughter is getting married and is spending the wedding day that my mother did not have with my sister (which is a completely different topic). Every time my sister arrives, it’s very emotional for my mother (it’s understandable), and with my marriage, her very stressful job and her two teenage children still at home, I don’t want to add anything else to her plate. He is already not sleeping well and does not cope well with stress. I don’t want to exclude my sister, but I don’t know how to include her when I’m so looked at.
You don’t sound presumptuous at all. It’s hard to accommodate any piece of relationship someone is willing to offer without making you vulnerable. It is difficult to know how to maintain strong and necessary boundaries while being open to the possibility of someone changing. All this is valid and heartbreaking and does not give you any rights.
But we can at least make it easier for you by removing some items that are not your responsibility. First of all, you do not owe anyone an explanation about the role of your sister. If someone asks you why your sister is not a maid of honor (rude), answer vaguely: “We decided to honor our relationship in another way” and do not talk about it. (To be clear: you don’t have to do shit to honor him, but they don’t need to know.)
In addition, you cite a lot of concern for your mother (which is understandable). But she is an mature woman. As long as she knows your sister is coming, she will be able to handle her own stress level like she always has. Think about it, if your sister didn’t come, it would be a different kind of stress for your mother, wouldn’t it? Because at the end of the day, it’s not you who are causing him this stress. Your sister is. It’s not your fault and it’s not your responsibility. So give yourself a ride here. Your marriage is not the cause of this problem, and handling it perfectly (whatever it is) will not be the solution.
With these things off your plate, focus on yourself. Your limits are well deserved, so invite her only to what you want, the way you want. You know that a special day doesn’t change the people we love. So, a wedding with your sister (like any other day) means opening the door to any drama that it brings with it. With that in mind, I think you’ll want to relax and not be anxious during the preparation period. I would jump to the fact that she joins you for it. Since she is not a bridesmaid, she should not expect to be included anyway. But giving her a gift seems like a nice gesture that will not leave you vulnerable. It could be nice. Only if you want.
Basically, you are already the greatest person by inviting her to this wedding; whatever you choose to do for her is sheer generosity. Whatever you do, you will not be able to control your sister’s behavior. Don’t make yourself believe that there is a magic combination to make her act like a human. The best you can do is stay firm on the boundaries you have created for yourself without apologizing, and most importantly, don’t struggle to have them.
