I got engaged a month ago(w) and I’m planning a wedding around this time next year. Last week, I started making calls and visits to ask my friends to be bridesmaids, and I was greeted by a resounding yes and the enthusiasm of each of them. All but one. One of the girls to whom I consider myself quite close (closer than some of the other party members) said that she would “see” and that “it would depend on the job.”I was a little surprised, but I made it clear on the phone that I realized that she could not attend all the events (she lives a few states away), but I would still be delighted to have her with me on the wedding day. It always seemed that even that was one question too many, and his answer was always “maybe.”We hung up awkwardly and now I have no idea where that leaves us.
Do I write to her as a bridesmaid and send her an invitation hoping that she will be able to attend, or do I call her and ask her for a yes or a no? Are you allowed to respond with a “maybe” when someone asks you to be a bridesmaid? I would have perfectly understood a no, but it wasn’t clear anyway. Will I seem pushy if I make him decide so far? How long do I have to wait for a yes or a no? The week before the wedding? He’s just trying to say no and I misread how close we are?
First of all, do you have a wedding date? An actual date that comes with bookings wherever this party is taking place? Otherwise, stop worrying about a bridesmaid who can’t be expected to commit to a vague plan and get over it!
Assuming that’s out of the way, can we start with a little more consideration for your bridesmaid? Put “depends on the job” in quotes, which I think is because it’s literally a quote, but also because it doesn’t seem like you’re buying it. Nowhere else in your question do you even seem to acknowledge that this could be true. There are all kinds of jobs where about a year, you can’t really guarantee that you will be available. Perhaps the vacation is approved only six months in advance. Maybe your business depends on whether you are there to manage things, and you still don’t know if you can make it work. Anyway, as a rule of thumb, we all have to work to keep our bills paid, so let’s assume there’s at least some truth to it (why SRSLy).
Because, assuming I’m not lying, this situation really sucks! And it sucks especially for her! It’s so hard to feel like you can’t say an enthusiastic YES to the things you really, really want to do because you really can’t afford to be laid off.
There is another thing lurking in your question that I think we should talk about. Is it “close enough”? Is she really a close friend? Do you see each other regularly? Are you talking? E-mail? Visit? A message? Getting married has a way of making you look at all your relationships in the light of day. I know that not everyone sees it that way, but I think that if you don’t see someone, don’t talk to them, don’t write with them or don’t communicate with them regularly in some way, I’m not a close friend. Be honest with yourself, because it matters that this bridesmaid may be a friend “I know what to hide in your apartment in matter you die suddenly”, compared to a friend “totally happy to see you the day before Thanksgiving and send you tipsy cat memes”. And if it’s the latter, she may not want to jump through hoops to take time off from work, buy a dress and spend a lot of money to really make up for it as a bridesmaid at your wedding. Okay, but you have to get it out.
As for not knowing where that leaves you, that leaves you with a bridesmaid who can’t give you a yes or no answer at the moment. Obviously, not what you wanted to hear. It’s great to have an ABSOLUTELY enthusiastic to this request! It’s personal, and if you feel hurt and confused, that’s fair enough. Think about when you really need to know. I would give it a little more time and then I will follow! Ask her not only if she knows for sure, but when (if ever) she will be able to commit. Let her know that you would like to have her as a bridesmaid or guest, but realistically, you will need a yes or no answer about the bridesmaid concert in the near future.
He may think that you are pushy, but as long as you are pushy and kind, you are on the right track. Give her time and space, but you don’t need to give her until the day before the wedding, unless you want to. And remember, you have a lot of enthusiasm “YES, positive self-talk is DEFINITELY your friend here. You’re being nice. You’re smart. You have a lot of friends. A “maybe” is not a referendum on you as a person.
Everyone. Remember. The people in your life really do have jobs, obligations and bills to pay. Even when you are planning a wedding. It measures your love life, but its owner measures in cash.
