I got engaged recently and need unbiased advice. I’m going to ask seven female friends to be at my wedding party, including my two best friends, who unfortunately have a history of being very shaky. What I have known all my life and our families are closely related. She has always been a little distanced and indecisive, and is starting her medical studies in a new city this year, which of course will take up much of her time. My best friend I’ve known since high school. He works night shifts and is horrible with his phone. It may take days to get a response to a text message or call, but I’ll see that she likes Instagram posts, which shows that she simply forgets to answer me or that she’s not up to the task.
My question is, should I ask one or both of them to take on the role of MS knowing that they might be overwhelmed and unable to help with planning? My other five friends at the bridal party could probably guess that these two would be my best choices and I think asking one of them instead may confuse and surprise them, as well as fear that it may insult my two best friends. Unfortunately, I have no sisters or close cousins to fall back on. Maybe I should stop having a MOH? Not sure what to do.
Let me start by sharing that I’ve been a bridesmaid no less than seven times, and I’ve been MOH for four of them. I feel qualified enough to talk about it.
I’ll take a break here to share some unpopular opinions … personally, I find the whole hierarchy of friends at a wedding party a little daunting. That’s not to say she’s never been a part of it (see: seven times bridesmaid), but it’s something we all know can lead to hurt feelings. It puts a lot of pressure on those friendships and a lot of responsibility on some people. I also think we should all give our best friends more space to refuse our request to be at our wedding party, or to take on MOH’s job. The costs and time can really add up, and sometimes it’s not the right thing for someone we love.
That said, I’m sorry you’re in this conundrum. I assume, after reading your letter, that you are both a human being rather ” on it “(because you see and feel affected by these delays and communication difficulties in your closest friends), and a caring and understanding person (because you have given space to personality differences and the circumstances of your friend’s life instead of just shaming their fragility).
What I also hear in your letter is that you want a bridesmaid who is able to handle everything. Someone who can prioritize planning showers / bachelorette parties / etc. without PASSING OUT. Someone who can help coordinate a group text with your seven best friends, and not a ghost during a busy work week. And it certainly seems that your friends, no matter how wonderful, are not equipped to support you in the role of bridesmaid, at least not alone.
So, what are your options? First option-as you said, you could completely give up the role of bridesmaid. You may only have seven bridesmaids who love you dearly and who can (at least try to) share stress and planning tasks equally. I think this is a great idea. (Maybe I’m biased… that’s what I did with my little wedding party.) Pro tip: be upfront with them. When you ask your friends to be part of your wedding party, tell them that you have decided to have seven equal bridesmaids and not entrust any additional responsibility to one person. Openly share your expectations and wishes and kindly encourage them to all work together in the coming months on all activities. It’s not nice for anyone to take on a role, only to find out months after that it will cost more than for an extravagant trip to Miami (which they have to plan) and a pair of 3 300 shoes-while they go to medical school or work night shifts.
The second option, if you really want your two lifelong friends to have a highlighted role and title, is to have a co-bridesmaid. If so, I’d take your two best girls out for coffee or invite them over for a glass of plonk (even if it’s in Zoom) and ask the question. Tell them honestly and lovingly that they both love them, but know that they both have very busy lives and that you didn’t want your wedding to be a huge stress for either of them—so, you hope they share the gig and stand by you, together, on your wedding planning journey. That way, theoretically, you always have someone (two people, actually) who can be the go-to person for the plans, but they’re less likely to both be MINE at the same time.
And the third option is to give one or two of your longtime best friends an honorary title of MOH, while employing the entire team of friends to rally and work together on all planning and coordination efforts. It is not in any regulation that the Ministry of Health has to do it on its own. (Ok, it’s probably in a regulation somewhere, but not in ours and it looks outdated AF.)
TL; DR: Be honest with your wedding party and with yourself, about your expectations of what will happen. Leave room for your friends to eventually pass on the opportunity to take on these responsibilities if they are not suitable for their lives at the moment (see: medical school)—this does not mean that they do not love you dearly.
